My initial reaction of disbelief soon turned into shock, and, in the next sixty hours it catapulted into anger, horror, pain and finally a sense of loss. A city felt lost, the innocence spent and with that, lives that had changed forever.
This is not the first time that we have witnessed terror in all its glory, there have been tragedies far worse and lesser than what happened on 26/11 but none of those, and I mean none of those, could prepare me to deal with what we were about to face in the last few days. Although, I haven’t been directly scarred by the massacre, and initially thanked the almighty for not choosing anyone I knew closely as a victim of the tragedy, only later to realise my short sightedness and folly – there were no survivors. The only difference being that some have left us forever and the rest of us continue living, leaving behind something that has died in all of us. More like trust in life itself.
Do I want to blame the system? The politicians? A neighbouring country? Or myself? Really, I don’t know. This is not about that at all; the blame game that everyone is so easily sheltering under. As I sit in my car in the garage with the keys still in the ignition, I realise I don’t know where I am headed. My mind is going through a gamut of thoughts, of emotions and the events of the last few days, replaying in my head like the recap section of a television soap though unfortunately this isn’t a soap but real life. The FM station is playing A R Rahman’s rendition of ‘Vande Mataram’ and I notice something which beats me and before anything I find my eyes moist.
I drive out of the garage into empty roads, clueless, to an unknown destination. Suddenly the empty roads take longer to cover than the usual busy days. I stop at the traffic junction almost mechanically, only to realise there is no signal to stop. I keep driving; looking outside to see any sign of normalcy, there is none. As Rahman’s song hits the crescendo note I rev up the accelerator and find myself moving along the long road. As I am going and going comes the last cry of ‘Vande Mataram’ almost melancholic and tragic and bringing with it a taste of salty fluid running down my face and my phone begins to ring all of a sudden. I hit the brakes. ‘The siege has ended,’ I am told and all I can conjure up with my choked voice is, ‘Not quite.’ because I know that the ‘siege’ within has just begun. I know life will go on. We all will go back to our jobs and get on with our respective lives, but something inside will never feel the same again. It will never be okay and funnily, I don’t want it any other way. This sense of loss felt by all of us will help us to keep a lookout for our families, our neighbours, our fellow citizens, our country and ourselves. Attitudes are changing, the fighting spirit has just got stronger and a sense of unity has brought us closer. This is not just about a terrorist attack; it is about a war which has ensued in each of our hearts and minds.
Sadly, when the system fails, the politicians disappoint us and the prayers go unanswered, and then a hero emerges from within each one of us. Let’s not allow the hero in each one of us to die this time.
‘Kandhon se milte hain kandhe, kadmo se kadam milte hain
Hum chalte hain jab aise to, Dil dushman ke hilte hain’
(These wonderful lyrics written by Javed Saab, have been in my head since I got pen to paper, just had to put them down here)
Jai Hind
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
About emotions, reactions and new learning’s…
The last few days have brought in mixed emotions, varied reactions and most importantly new learning’s. As a friend put it very interestingly, ‘If H-e-d had worked, that would have been beginners luck’. Does that lessen the disappointment? Well, it definitely lightens things up.
It can be difficult sometimes to accept things, yet again, my experience as a film going audience clearly showed me that H-e-d did not work, as early as a day after the release at some level. I think the most important lesson that I have learnt is accepting the fact gracefully and taking the positives from it and moving on. After all, as an actor you can only do your job honestly and hope and pray the rest of it falls into place.
I did go to a few theatres across the city, just to watch the film with the audience and to my surprise at most places; people walked up during the interval or post the film to tell me what they felt. I will not lie…Appreciation of your work definitely motivates and inspires you to keep doing your best. I felt at some level they felt connected enough, to walk up and share their feedback, which alone is a huge satisfaction and this love will make sure I keep giving my best to every project hereon.
Life is certainly looking up. I have been reading scripts, meeting directors and producers and finally going on a vacation. I have also resumed doing things which I couldn’t in the last few months like going to the beach for a run, working out, dancing, reading and watching films.
I will be on a plane in a few hours and I have, ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ to give me company. Hope it’s a good read! Thanks for all the feedback and keep it coming…
It can be difficult sometimes to accept things, yet again, my experience as a film going audience clearly showed me that H-e-d did not work, as early as a day after the release at some level. I think the most important lesson that I have learnt is accepting the fact gracefully and taking the positives from it and moving on. After all, as an actor you can only do your job honestly and hope and pray the rest of it falls into place.
I did go to a few theatres across the city, just to watch the film with the audience and to my surprise at most places; people walked up during the interval or post the film to tell me what they felt. I will not lie…Appreciation of your work definitely motivates and inspires you to keep doing your best. I felt at some level they felt connected enough, to walk up and share their feedback, which alone is a huge satisfaction and this love will make sure I keep giving my best to every project hereon.
Life is certainly looking up. I have been reading scripts, meeting directors and producers and finally going on a vacation. I have also resumed doing things which I couldn’t in the last few months like going to the beach for a run, working out, dancing, reading and watching films.
I will be on a plane in a few hours and I have, ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ to give me company. Hope it’s a good read! Thanks for all the feedback and keep it coming…
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
My Haal-e-dil
First Film. First Love. First Blog. A common thread…a special feeling, a need to be accepted and dreams unlimited…
I have been a film going audience (‘aam-junta’) for the better part of my life and now to be on the other side of the spectrum is a feeling, which I haven’t been able to come to terms with yet. Perhaps, I still look at films as an audience. I believe, somewhere this has played a major role in helping me choose the film I am starting out with - Haal-e-dil aka (h-e-d)
A lot of people have asked me, how tough has it been to make a breakthrough when ‘star’ kids are the order of the day or you are the ‘Outsider’. Do you have any connection with Bollywood? To which, I have one reply, “My only connection to Bollywood has been that I love watching our films…” J And to be honest, in my mind I’ve never considered myself as an outsider. I feel I belong here.
My love with cinema started way before I realised I wanted to act. I recall watching Madhuri doing her finger move in ‘Tu shayar hai’ (Sajjan) with great astonishment and then I remember how I tried to imitate the move. Most male actors look upto a Bachchan or SRK or Aamir when it comes to their inspiration. In retrospect, it’s strange that Madhuri Dixit made me want to be a part of films. I hoped that I could dance as well, emote as well and have that charisma to be on screen with her.
In many ways, I feel more than me choosing to play 'Shekhar' in Haal-e-dil, the role chose me. I recall being auditioned for the main lead of h-e-d, during Diwali of 2006. An audition, which lasted over 4 hours! It was a full-blown audition in the presence of my director, writer and producer. Three months and 3000 auditions later, I was signed on to h-e-d in January ‘07. The best birthday gift I could have asked for!
What soon followed was 2 months of extensive workshops with Mr Om Katare, where Amita and I read various Hindi plays, improvised scenes, watched old films and plays. In my quest to play Shekhar in the best possible way, I took up guitar lessons and slowed down on heavy weights at the gym too at the insistence of my director Anil Devgan. He wanted my face and body language to have a certain rawness and innocence to it. But with the shooting done, I am back at the gym now though... :-)
I recollect starting h-e-d with its mahurat on the 27th of March 2007 in the presence of Kajol, Raj Kumar Santoshi, Vishal Bharadwaj and likes. It was a huge day for me, considering my dream was finally turning into reality. To my surprise, I was calm and felt at ease with the task at hand. It felt like just another day at work. I carried that comforting feeling with me during the rest of our schedules and it turned out just as easy as we had visualised it.
A year in the making and 6 schedules later (Bombay, Panchgani, Leh, Shimla, Manali, Kalka, and Switzerland) we were through with the filming of h-e-d. It felt like having lived another lifetime literally.
As the release date draws closer, June 20th, I find myself engulfed by a funny feeling, and no, I don’t feel much nervousness, although it is something I only tend to remember because I am made to do so by people around me. Yes, there is a certain element of excitement and of course, a sense of anxiousness. Anxiousness more so to know how people would accept the final product…Anxiousness to know if they would identify with the story as much as we did…And an ever growing anxiousness to know how anxious are they to watch h-e-d.
Finally, I want you all to know that this is my first step towards sharing my dreams and hopes with all of you and I honestly pray and wish and also assure you that this is just the beginning to a beautiful journey that lies ahead of us…
My debut film, ‘Haal-e-dil’ is all set to hit screens on June 20th 2008.
( My blog is now on bollywoodhungama.com)
http://www.bollywoodhungama.com/blogs/nakuulmehta/index.html
I have been a film going audience (‘aam-junta’) for the better part of my life and now to be on the other side of the spectrum is a feeling, which I haven’t been able to come to terms with yet. Perhaps, I still look at films as an audience. I believe, somewhere this has played a major role in helping me choose the film I am starting out with - Haal-e-dil aka (h-e-d)
A lot of people have asked me, how tough has it been to make a breakthrough when ‘star’ kids are the order of the day or you are the ‘Outsider’. Do you have any connection with Bollywood? To which, I have one reply, “My only connection to Bollywood has been that I love watching our films…” J And to be honest, in my mind I’ve never considered myself as an outsider. I feel I belong here.
My love with cinema started way before I realised I wanted to act. I recall watching Madhuri doing her finger move in ‘Tu shayar hai’ (Sajjan) with great astonishment and then I remember how I tried to imitate the move. Most male actors look upto a Bachchan or SRK or Aamir when it comes to their inspiration. In retrospect, it’s strange that Madhuri Dixit made me want to be a part of films. I hoped that I could dance as well, emote as well and have that charisma to be on screen with her.
In many ways, I feel more than me choosing to play 'Shekhar' in Haal-e-dil, the role chose me. I recall being auditioned for the main lead of h-e-d, during Diwali of 2006. An audition, which lasted over 4 hours! It was a full-blown audition in the presence of my director, writer and producer. Three months and 3000 auditions later, I was signed on to h-e-d in January ‘07. The best birthday gift I could have asked for!
What soon followed was 2 months of extensive workshops with Mr Om Katare, where Amita and I read various Hindi plays, improvised scenes, watched old films and plays. In my quest to play Shekhar in the best possible way, I took up guitar lessons and slowed down on heavy weights at the gym too at the insistence of my director Anil Devgan. He wanted my face and body language to have a certain rawness and innocence to it. But with the shooting done, I am back at the gym now though... :-)
I recollect starting h-e-d with its mahurat on the 27th of March 2007 in the presence of Kajol, Raj Kumar Santoshi, Vishal Bharadwaj and likes. It was a huge day for me, considering my dream was finally turning into reality. To my surprise, I was calm and felt at ease with the task at hand. It felt like just another day at work. I carried that comforting feeling with me during the rest of our schedules and it turned out just as easy as we had visualised it.
A year in the making and 6 schedules later (Bombay, Panchgani, Leh, Shimla, Manali, Kalka, and Switzerland) we were through with the filming of h-e-d. It felt like having lived another lifetime literally.
As the release date draws closer, June 20th, I find myself engulfed by a funny feeling, and no, I don’t feel much nervousness, although it is something I only tend to remember because I am made to do so by people around me. Yes, there is a certain element of excitement and of course, a sense of anxiousness. Anxiousness more so to know how people would accept the final product…Anxiousness to know if they would identify with the story as much as we did…And an ever growing anxiousness to know how anxious are they to watch h-e-d.
Finally, I want you all to know that this is my first step towards sharing my dreams and hopes with all of you and I honestly pray and wish and also assure you that this is just the beginning to a beautiful journey that lies ahead of us…
My debut film, ‘Haal-e-dil’ is all set to hit screens on June 20th 2008.
( My blog is now on bollywoodhungama.com)
http://www.bollywoodhungama.com/blogs/nakuulmehta/index.html
Saturday, March 29, 2008
2 Weeks to go...
It’s been exactly one whole year from the day I gave my first shot for h-e-d. Time flies, memories linger on...
It's been a rollercoaster ride with each day bringing new situations and experiences. Each schedule bringing with it a new vibe, new locations, new people and with it a sense of discovering a new part of me. It will not be sacrilegious of me to believe that I have been absolutely honest and sincere to my work and lived every moment on h-e-d to the fullest and that is a special feeling!
I vividly remember my first shot which comes in the early part of the movie. It felt like a continuation of something I’ve been doing. At complete ease, in character and with the right amount of energy, that I surprised myself. At the end of the day, I only hoped and prayed that I could replicate the same feeling each day I came to the set. I think I achieved it on more occasions than less.
When I look back at the different schedules on h-e-d – Kamalistan/panchgani, Leh/shimla/manali/kalka, Switzerland, Mahabaleshwar and the climax at Yashraj studios, I somehow recall my first at Kamlistan on the train set and at panchgani with great enthusiasm. These were times, when energy was at its best, when there was an effort to imbibe and learn everything and anything as each day brought new learning’s and as an actor, I enjoyed the natural earnestness and rawness which I subconsciously brought along and which eventually helped me in shaping Shekhar.
I only wish that I could continue bringing the same enthusiasm and zeal to every other movie I work in hereon because that is what makes the journey worthwhile. The journey is almost about to end now on this one and it’s about time to bring out the work in progress. The first teasers hit screens worldwide on the 11th of April’2008 with ‘You me aur Hum’ and I have no idea how that feeling will be… One year in the making, a year and 3 months since I signed on to it, a year and a half since I first auditioned for it and 24 years since I wanted it so bad.
It's been a rollercoaster ride with each day bringing new situations and experiences. Each schedule bringing with it a new vibe, new locations, new people and with it a sense of discovering a new part of me. It will not be sacrilegious of me to believe that I have been absolutely honest and sincere to my work and lived every moment on h-e-d to the fullest and that is a special feeling!
I vividly remember my first shot which comes in the early part of the movie. It felt like a continuation of something I’ve been doing. At complete ease, in character and with the right amount of energy, that I surprised myself. At the end of the day, I only hoped and prayed that I could replicate the same feeling each day I came to the set. I think I achieved it on more occasions than less.
When I look back at the different schedules on h-e-d – Kamalistan/panchgani, Leh/shimla/manali/kalka, Switzerland, Mahabaleshwar and the climax at Yashraj studios, I somehow recall my first at Kamlistan on the train set and at panchgani with great enthusiasm. These were times, when energy was at its best, when there was an effort to imbibe and learn everything and anything as each day brought new learning’s and as an actor, I enjoyed the natural earnestness and rawness which I subconsciously brought along and which eventually helped me in shaping Shekhar.
I only wish that I could continue bringing the same enthusiasm and zeal to every other movie I work in hereon because that is what makes the journey worthwhile. The journey is almost about to end now on this one and it’s about time to bring out the work in progress. The first teasers hit screens worldwide on the 11th of April’2008 with ‘You me aur Hum’ and I have no idea how that feeling will be… One year in the making, a year and 3 months since I signed on to it, a year and a half since I first auditioned for it and 24 years since I wanted it so bad.
Nasrun minallahi wal fatahun kareem
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Climaxed!!!
Leh...Manali...Shimla...Switzerland...Mahabaleshwar...Yashraj studios...Finally its over...
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Farewell my friend!
“Hey nakuul. Felt really good to hear from u yaar. The battle is still ensuing in its full rage buddy but d spirit remains untouched. After all for a soldier there is no fight to d end because…There is no end to d fight. But triumph I shall no matter what it takes.” (04/10/06)
There are some bonds which cannot be explained. This is one such…
I met him three years ago and was instantly taken in with his warmth and passion for life. My first memory of him was when I fired him for not bending low enough to take that correct shot while handling the camera and asked him the reason for that. All he said was, ‘I can’t…cant,’ with an expression on his face that was a mix of pain, despair and embarrassment.
Me, being the unrelenting me, prodded him further, only to find out that this normal looking twenty year old had suffered cancer and had recently recovered and won a battle which could have cost him his leg. That was the reason he could not bend his knees and he explained this to me in a very matter-of-fact manner. I thought I did pretty well to hide my shock and disbelief at that moment but could not help but feel small for being so insensitive.
On hindsight, I feel that moment brought the two of us together in a strange way. We got talking and realised our common passion for bodybuilding, movies and books. After the shoot he sent me a copy of our music video and promised to be in touch. I remember him being very hopeful for me and wished me a great future with my acting career. It could have ended there, but he kept in touch, every once in a while, calling/texting to give his feedback on a new commercial or a video and hoping to hear about any movies on the anvil.
There are some people you just want to stay in touch with for absolutely no reason. He was one of them. I remember meeting him not more than six times in these three years, the last being when he boarded his flight to leave for New York.
The enemy had resurfaced. He called me one day and usually chatted up about ‘me’, which he always did. It was always, ‘you’ for him. In the conversation, very nonchalantly he told me about a sudden change in plans. The cancer was back and this time it had attacked the entire body. He had a battle on hands. A battle which he would fight to win! How does one respond to something like that?
We kept in touch while he battled with clinical trials in New York and I started work on my first feature. He called every once in a while to check on my progress when it should have really been the other way around. He never once mentioned the immense pain which was killing him. But that is what makes him, what he was…Optimist to the core! A fighter! A soldier! That’s what I called him always!
Our last conversation will stay with me forever. We spoke about life, rebirth and karma. Maybe he knew it was our last conversation… A week later, came the grim news. An inconsolable common friend called saying, ‘We’ve lost him. Please come see him one last time.’ Once again, I did not know how to react.
I went to see him one last time at his place. Amongst the inconsolable and extremely emotional family and friends, he lay there in the midst, looking calm, at peace and victorious. We had lost him. But he had won…
(The quote at the beginning of the piece, is an sms, he had sent me which will stay with me forever. For all the lives you’ve touched… God bless you Rajiv!)
There are some bonds which cannot be explained. This is one such…
I met him three years ago and was instantly taken in with his warmth and passion for life. My first memory of him was when I fired him for not bending low enough to take that correct shot while handling the camera and asked him the reason for that. All he said was, ‘I can’t…cant,’ with an expression on his face that was a mix of pain, despair and embarrassment.
Me, being the unrelenting me, prodded him further, only to find out that this normal looking twenty year old had suffered cancer and had recently recovered and won a battle which could have cost him his leg. That was the reason he could not bend his knees and he explained this to me in a very matter-of-fact manner. I thought I did pretty well to hide my shock and disbelief at that moment but could not help but feel small for being so insensitive.
On hindsight, I feel that moment brought the two of us together in a strange way. We got talking and realised our common passion for bodybuilding, movies and books. After the shoot he sent me a copy of our music video and promised to be in touch. I remember him being very hopeful for me and wished me a great future with my acting career. It could have ended there, but he kept in touch, every once in a while, calling/texting to give his feedback on a new commercial or a video and hoping to hear about any movies on the anvil.
There are some people you just want to stay in touch with for absolutely no reason. He was one of them. I remember meeting him not more than six times in these three years, the last being when he boarded his flight to leave for New York.
The enemy had resurfaced. He called me one day and usually chatted up about ‘me’, which he always did. It was always, ‘you’ for him. In the conversation, very nonchalantly he told me about a sudden change in plans. The cancer was back and this time it had attacked the entire body. He had a battle on hands. A battle which he would fight to win! How does one respond to something like that?
We kept in touch while he battled with clinical trials in New York and I started work on my first feature. He called every once in a while to check on my progress when it should have really been the other way around. He never once mentioned the immense pain which was killing him. But that is what makes him, what he was…Optimist to the core! A fighter! A soldier! That’s what I called him always!
Our last conversation will stay with me forever. We spoke about life, rebirth and karma. Maybe he knew it was our last conversation… A week later, came the grim news. An inconsolable common friend called saying, ‘We’ve lost him. Please come see him one last time.’ Once again, I did not know how to react.
I went to see him one last time at his place. Amongst the inconsolable and extremely emotional family and friends, he lay there in the midst, looking calm, at peace and victorious. We had lost him. But he had won…
(The quote at the beginning of the piece, is an sms, he had sent me which will stay with me forever. For all the lives you’ve touched… God bless you Rajiv!)
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Some more...
Apni manzil dhoondne nikle hain
Hazzaron armaan liye chale hain
Milne ko woh aaj hi mil jaati
Lekin is kaaynath ke apne hi kuch neeyam hain…
__________________________________
Humari gustakhi thi woh
Warna kya khuda se unka hi pataa mangte…
__________________________________
Hazzaron armaan liye chale hain
Milne ko woh aaj hi mil jaati
Lekin is kaaynath ke apne hi kuch neeyam hain…
__________________________________
Humari gustakhi thi woh
Warna kya khuda se unka hi pataa mangte…
__________________________________
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Meri Shayari -1
Dil ka haal mat poocho yaro
Yeh ek khuli kitaab hai
Darde dil phir bhi jee lete hum
Lekin haal-e-dil kaisen bayaan kar pate…
Yeh ek khuli kitaab hai
Darde dil phir bhi jee lete hum
Lekin haal-e-dil kaisen bayaan kar pate…
Thursday, August 16, 2007
A Series Won or LOST…’Chuck’ De India
The morning pictures in TOI left me with mixed emotions – pictures of the Indian cricket team celebrating after beating England in England in a test series after 21 long years.
Happy? Jubilant? Proud? What am I suppose to feel?
On the eve of India’s 60th year of Independence, the day we won against the Colonial regime, in our hearts we have again gone back 60 years and given our own countrymen a reason to believe that we are not ready yet…Not Ready to compete with the best, Not Ready to have faith in our abilities and Not Ready to back ourselves.
No country and I believe this, no country with half the talent and ability of our team would have squandered a chance to go for the kill and win a test match ‘away’ from home. To draw the match from the verge of winning it comprehensively is as good as loosing it. Infact by deciding not to ‘follow on’ the opposition, we nearly threw it away.
Strangely, I had a premonition of this, the evening before and I did tell a couple of friends that Dravid choosing to bat again is a strong option considering the result of the India-Aussie test match in Kolkatta, in which India came back from nowhere, after being made to follow on and won it. Infact both Dravid and Laxman were the backbones of that famous win. That coupled with the fact that we our not the greatest 4th innings chasers, recent case in point – the loss in West Indies when we have had a paltry 120 odd to chase.
I am sure these were the reasons and not the ‘fatigued’ bowlers as suggested. If you call bowling 55 odd overs amongst the 3 pacers a lot of work, then why play test cricket. Test, as the name suggests is meant to be a test of your physical and mental endurance over a period of 5 days. The point being, we would rather (which is the smallest of chance) risk drawing or loosing the match then having played like the cowards we did. Not really the best example to gift to your nation on the eve of it sixtieth year of Independence!
Chuck diya India!
On the eve of India’s 60th year of Independence, the day we won against the Colonial regime, in our hearts we have again gone back 60 years and given our own countrymen a reason to believe that we are not ready yet…Not Ready to compete with the best, Not Ready to have faith in our abilities and Not Ready to back ourselves.
No country and I believe this, no country with half the talent and ability of our team would have squandered a chance to go for the kill and win a test match ‘away’ from home. To draw the match from the verge of winning it comprehensively is as good as loosing it. Infact by deciding not to ‘follow on’ the opposition, we nearly threw it away.
Strangely, I had a premonition of this, the evening before and I did tell a couple of friends that Dravid choosing to bat again is a strong option considering the result of the India-Aussie test match in Kolkatta, in which India came back from nowhere, after being made to follow on and won it. Infact both Dravid and Laxman were the backbones of that famous win. That coupled with the fact that we our not the greatest 4th innings chasers, recent case in point – the loss in West Indies when we have had a paltry 120 odd to chase.
I am sure these were the reasons and not the ‘fatigued’ bowlers as suggested. If you call bowling 55 odd overs amongst the 3 pacers a lot of work, then why play test cricket. Test, as the name suggests is meant to be a test of your physical and mental endurance over a period of 5 days. The point being, we would rather (which is the smallest of chance) risk drawing or loosing the match then having played like the cowards we did. Not really the best example to gift to your nation on the eve of it sixtieth year of Independence!
Chuck diya India!
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